I'm not a big expert in visual novels but I could give you more feedback on certain parts of your work in the future.
Feel free to ask Pan Diman#1337
PanDiman
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A member registered Oct 14, 2020
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The story seems okay for a book rather than a visual novel. There's not much suspense at the beginning, a lot of disconnect between the player and the main character due to the 3rd person use, and at the same time, the motive feels rushy. Ideally, the story should be approached from the point of view of someone developing the first contact with the characters and the environment, thus creating a fresh experience for the player.
Regardless of the issues mentioned above, I can see a bit of the potential, especially if the game becomes slightly more of a puzzle that needs to be solved to let the player escape. Perhaps, a murder mystery could be involved if just a few more characters get added.